Internet Communities

For this assignment, I chose to join a private Yahoo group for moms of large families.  With nine children, I more than qualify!  Most people consider three or four children to be a "large" family, mostly because parents are outnumbered when there are three children in the family.  Also, many people consider two children to be the "ideal" number of children, so anything more than two children is considered to be "large."  This group defines "large family" as one with three or more children.

Assimilating into this group was easy, since there are many things I have in common with other moms with large families.  Children are expensive, and we all shared ideas for dealing with the current economic mess without hurting our families.  My children range in age from 21 years down to 1 year, so I have children at all stages of development, and I was able to participate in discussions regarding children of different ages.  One of my children (Matthew, age 4) has special needs (developmental delays similar to autism), so I could give advice to the moms concerned about their children's development, as well as those interested in seeking help from their local school districts.  I learned a lot from the moms with teenage girls, since my oldest daughter is only eight years old.

I think that I have been accepted into the group, mostly because my posts are not ignored, and everyone seems friendly to me through the posts to the group.  I have no reason to suspect that there are any hostilities being expressed "off group" concerning me, and I feel comfortable sharing things with this group.  Of course, with any internet communication, true feelings are not always easy to discern, since I can't read the body language of the other participants, and I certainly can't hear their voices to detect any sarcasm or strained voices that might give me clues about their feelings.  All in all, this group seems very positive.  Most of us have a pretty strong sense of humor, which seems to be a requirement for surviving when you are outnumbered by children.  Disagreements, which have been few during the month I've been involved with this group, are usually expressed in terms of "let's agree to disagree."  Of course, some hot-button issues, such as abortion, politics, and religion, are not discussed within the group.  We try to be supportive of each other as much as possible, and we share laughs over the questions we get when people learn of our family size.  We also offer virtual shoulders to cry on when members of the group have family problems that cause them stress or pain.

According to Wood and Smith, several factors come into play when a virtual community is formed.  Basically, the group members need to have the computer skills necessary to find and join the group in the first place, then they need to have the time to contribute to sharing with the group.  In addition, group members must have something in common (in my case, the experience of raising a large family), and they need to be willing to participate in the give-and-take of the group.  Other groups I've belonged to allow "lurkers," people who join the group but only participate when necessary.  For instance, I belong to a group of Gammill longarm quilting machine owners, but I don't post on that group unless I have a problem with my machine or have insights to share with someone who is having a problem with his/her machine.  Most of the time, I "lurk" on that group, reading the posts but not truly participating in the group.  The large family group I joined does not allow lurkers; you are required to participate in the discussions to remain in the group, and the moderator will disable your membership for lack of participation.  The more you participate in a group, I believe, the harder it is to hide your true self and keep your lies straight.

Society at large generally benefits from these virtual communities, in my opinion.  I know very few women who have as many children as I do, and most of them have as little time to visit in person as I do.  Let's just say that I don't get out much!  Being able to find a group of women in my situation online is very comforting.  Most of my real life friends don't understand how difficult it can be to raise so many children, and some of them are disdainful of my decision to have such a large family.  If I were to complain to those friends about problems I'm having with my children, their reaction would be to ask me why I chose to have so many children in the first place.  They would act like I can't handle my children, or that I had too many, etc.  My online friends have many children and understand why I had them, so they are free to be supportive of the normal ups and downs that all parents experience.

I will say that online communities can be bad, too.  I strongly believe that pedophiles have greatly increased in number once they discovered others with their obsessions.  The internet allowed them to share ideas for "grooming" children, and it seems to have become a game for these men to create videos and pictures more graphic than the others in their group.  One very vocal pedophile even created websites listing places where little girls could be found, encouraging pedophiles to go to public events and take pictures of the children there.  I think that the existence of such groups and websites has made our world a lot more dangerous to children everywhere.

In summary, I enjoyed finding a group of like-minded moms who understand why I have so many children.  It's nice to not be asked the usual questions ("Are you Catholic?"  "Are you Mormon?"  "Are you crazy?"  "Do you know what causes that?"  "Have you heard of birth control?").  It's also nice to be able to share my frustrations with women who won't accuse me of having more children than I can handle, especially since I am usually perfectly capable of being a good mom to my brood.  Nobody is perfect, and we're all human, and nobody likes to be criticized all of the time.  It's always nice to find new friends, too.  :)